So much to do and so little will to do it.
Today I have accomplished close to nothing.
The dishes are not done, the floor is not vacuumed, the bed is not made and I may or may not still be in my pajamas; but my Andrew is clean, and happy.
Sometimes I feel like I don't do enough. Like the house is never as clean as it should be. I feel bad because I am not Betty Crocker and my husband eats frozen Bertolli meals for dinner more often then I'd like to admit. I absolutely HATE cleaning toilets so those don't get cleaned as often as they should. I never wanted to be anything but a mother. I however hate a lot of what comes with being a stay at home mom. Don't get me wrong I appreciate being able to stay home with my baby, I wouldn't want it any other way but it's not as easy as I think my husband thinks it is.
I don't like being stuck in the house all day, the days tend to just bleed together so that sometimes I can't even remember what day it is because they are all so much alike. I miss talking to adults, having real conversations where someone actually responds with more than just ba ba baba ma ma maa (of course I love that too!) but its nice to have a two way conversation. I miss being intellectually challenged. Some days I feel like my brain has turned into mush and there's no reviving it. I miss being recognized for the work I am doing. Because what I am doing is work; some days its easy work but most days its exhausting.
I read an article recently that was written by a women who has 9 (gasp!) children and she was speaking to mothers of only one child. She spoke right to my heart, somehow she captured just how I feel some times. She talked about how she remembers how hard it was to have only one child, how being a new mother and learning to raise a child, to be as selfless as a mother needs to be was the hardest thing shes ever done (and she has 9 children!) Its hard to never be alone, to never have a "weekend" where you can just leave your "job" for Monday morning. Motherhood is a 24/7 occupation. One in which your flaws and shortcomings seem to be on display for everyone to see. She talked about how her husband had become a father and she loved him for it, and how he got to leave everyday and go to work and she hated him for it. No one likes to talk about the resentment you can feel toward a spouse who gets to go on and do "normal" things again, a spouse who doesn't and can't understand.
"What took you so long to go to the store?"
"Um what took me so long?!? I have a freaking infant I'm carting around that's what!"
"Why cant he sit up yet, is something wrong with him?"
"Nothing is wrong with him; I am a great mother!"
And I appreciate that I am not the only one who has felt that way :) Love you hunnie
All of this makes me think about my Mom and how grateful I am for her. I often say I am a daddy's girl and that is true; that man will always walk on water in my book. But I wouldn't be who I am today if not for a women who gave more of herself than I could fathom before becoming a mother myself.
So I guess I might not be perfect, and my bathrooms might not be spotless but I learned from a pro how to be a good mother, and in the end my Andrew baby is really all the matters. <3
That's right, cutest. baby. ever. :)
Today I have accomplished close to nothing.
The dishes are not done, the floor is not vacuumed, the bed is not made and I may or may not still be in my pajamas; but my Andrew is clean, and happy.
Sometimes I feel like I don't do enough. Like the house is never as clean as it should be. I feel bad because I am not Betty Crocker and my husband eats frozen Bertolli meals for dinner more often then I'd like to admit. I absolutely HATE cleaning toilets so those don't get cleaned as often as they should. I never wanted to be anything but a mother. I however hate a lot of what comes with being a stay at home mom. Don't get me wrong I appreciate being able to stay home with my baby, I wouldn't want it any other way but it's not as easy as I think my husband thinks it is.
I don't like being stuck in the house all day, the days tend to just bleed together so that sometimes I can't even remember what day it is because they are all so much alike. I miss talking to adults, having real conversations where someone actually responds with more than just ba ba baba ma ma maa (of course I love that too!) but its nice to have a two way conversation. I miss being intellectually challenged. Some days I feel like my brain has turned into mush and there's no reviving it. I miss being recognized for the work I am doing. Because what I am doing is work; some days its easy work but most days its exhausting.
I read an article recently that was written by a women who has 9 (gasp!) children and she was speaking to mothers of only one child. She spoke right to my heart, somehow she captured just how I feel some times. She talked about how she remembers how hard it was to have only one child, how being a new mother and learning to raise a child, to be as selfless as a mother needs to be was the hardest thing shes ever done (and she has 9 children!) Its hard to never be alone, to never have a "weekend" where you can just leave your "job" for Monday morning. Motherhood is a 24/7 occupation. One in which your flaws and shortcomings seem to be on display for everyone to see. She talked about how her husband had become a father and she loved him for it, and how he got to leave everyday and go to work and she hated him for it. No one likes to talk about the resentment you can feel toward a spouse who gets to go on and do "normal" things again, a spouse who doesn't and can't understand.
"What took you so long to go to the store?"
"Um what took me so long?!? I have a freaking infant I'm carting around that's what!"
"Why cant he sit up yet, is something wrong with him?"
"Nothing is wrong with him; I am a great mother!"
And I appreciate that I am not the only one who has felt that way :) Love you hunnie
All of this makes me think about my Mom and how grateful I am for her. I often say I am a daddy's girl and that is true; that man will always walk on water in my book. But I wouldn't be who I am today if not for a women who gave more of herself than I could fathom before becoming a mother myself.
So I guess I might not be perfect, and my bathrooms might not be spotless but I learned from a pro how to be a good mother, and in the end my Andrew baby is really all the matters. <3
Comments
Post a Comment